How Deep the Father's love for us.

O, for a thousand tongues to sing . . . .                                 How deep the Father’s love for us . . .

              The love of God, how rich, how pure, how measureless and strong . . .

                                                                       Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saves . . .   

Psalm 56:9 says, This I know, God is for me.

 The “knowing” described here comes from a deep place within, not rooted in feelings or emotion, but in the proven promises of God, in His track record of keeping His promises. It comes by faith and that faith, a gift from God as well.

Have you ever been in a place of such grief and emotional sadness because life has been turned upside down for someone you love? My heart is broken for my friends, yet my words fall empty, my tongue cannot adequately express my love or my heartache. What grieves me most, however, is my inability, my inadequacy to express God’s love for them. To communicate in the midst of their pain that God weeps for them. He holds their tears in a bottle; His gentle eternal compassion covers them like a warm blanket in this cold, hard place. 

What a flawed plan, this plan of God, to give such a powerful message of love and compassion, of hope and eternity to earthen vessels such as myself. I keep coming back to verses about his strength is made perfect, complete, full in my weakness. Songs that extol his majesty and glory, his love and compassion, yet in my feeble attempt to comfort or encourage, it seems to fall on  ears made deaf by aching hearts.

What is my job, my calling in moments where those I love are hurting so deeply? What can I do? How can I love more deeply?  All I can do is pray and that seems, to this recovering performance junkie, not enough. Yet it is enough, because it is not up to me to give ears to ones heart, it is my place to speak and love and serve from the depths of God’s love and mercy for me, and pray the Holy Spirit does the rest.

Still, my heart breaks but this I know, God is love; Jesus came as the physical demonstration of His sacrificial love; it is a free and personal gift wrapped in this perfect package with my name, your name on it; ours for the taking, believing, accepting. 

Lord, give ears to hear.

Powerless . . .reality vs perception

I Samuel 28:3-20

 Vs. 5 - When Saul saw the army of the Philistine, he was afraid and his heart trembled greatly. When Saul inquired of the Lord, the Lord did not answer him. 

Saul was caught by his own offenses- abandoned by God; seemingly out of options.

How do we learn? Some slower than others but most life change, reverse- boosting lessons are wrought in the struggle with consequences and circumstance. Saul saw his enemies circling the wagons. These are the same guys he needed David’s help with before; the same army that rendered him powerless but for divine intervention, a shepherd. He was afraid and had burned all his bridges and needed one he could rebuild quickly. His options:

®    David – not likely, he’s been trying to kill him

®    Samuel – dead

®    Mediums and wizards – banished

®    The Lord, God almighty- not answering him

 So he did what any reasonable person in power would do; he ordered help. He managed his circumstances. “Go find me a woman who is a medium.” (Vs 7)

I think this little section of scripture is ironic. Look at the extremes Saul goes to in order to protect his identify, manage perception. (Vs 8) He dresses in disguise; goes at night and takes only people he can control (these guys were on the payroll). Saul is blinded to the obvious; if she is a medium, she will reveal the truth. Wasn't that what he was after, truth and guidance? He asks for Samuel and as before Saul’s heart and identity are revealed.  Samuel speaks the truth he had told him before, you have lost the kingdom because you disobeyed God, but he added, “Tomorrow you and your sons will be with me.” Dead.  Where was Samuel? Wherever that place was, Saul and his sons would be there in about 24 hours.

Look at God’s grace! Saul was a royal screw-up. He was stuck in a powerless cycle and chose not to get out of it. He had the tools. He picked every resource available but the one that could truly help. The step that required him to admit, confess and humble out before a righteous, just God. Saul wanted his power and position back and now added to his wish list, life not death.

Repentance and surrender may not have changed his circumstance- the consequences of his action but it would have given him what he truly longed for, peace. The peace that only comes through humility and surrender, the peace that only comes when we admit we are powerless. Saul had tried to manipulate and bully his way through his circumstance and like quicksand, only got more stuck. The rescuer must be a power from outside, bigger than us.

What’s your quicksand?

What ways to you identify with Saul’s sick behavior?

How are you trying to manage and correct what you are powerless to correct or manage?

Two choices

Surrender to your higher power                                 Stay in the sick cycle

                                                                        Two consequences

Peace and  the power to recover                                   Repeat the cycle of sick destructive behavior

Step One . . .the reoccurring step

Step one,

‘We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.’ (The Purpose Driven Life Recovery resource, J. Baker, 1998)

For I know nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature; For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. Rom 7:18

I have spent the last six years or so understanding recovery and for the most part “working” recovery, “practicing its principals in all my affairs”. I will say, sometime better than others. Often, the reality is that I am looking back at a situation or event and seeing how I did? More or less a daily inventory or score card. I think though, the hardest steps that I come back to in my “failures” are step one, two and three.

I often struggle seeing my life as unmanageable. I am a recovering co-dependent performance junkie. I measure my success and failure by these two goal posts; did I please someone or did I stand out in my efforts. Even writing these words is painful and exposes the depths of my pride. 

Step one: Admit I am powerless and that these defects of character and this sin is unmanageable by me alone. I have the desire, sometimes to do what is right but I am powerless to carry it out, alone.

“We” has been pointed out in the language of this first step. Community, for certain, is powerful and an important component to recovery, but “we” also means that someone bigger, more powerful than myself must be involved to move me forward from this seemingly hopeless and helpless state.

“White knucklers”, “I can do it alone”, “I just need more discipline”, folks must overcome their pride in this first step. Admit, accept, recognize, I am powerless to fix this alone.

We are taught to be self-sufficient and yet in God’s economy that is self destructive. Recovery requires community. It requires exposure of those deep dark places to someone. It requires an honest look at yourself and understanding that all your best efforts have not achieved victory that is sustained. If you had won, you would not be back. You would have moved on. If you are like me, your cycle is a sick one that just keeps bringing you back to point A. You can get off this merry-go-round. Step one is the only place to begin. If you move beyond it, trust me, you will return. I did.

What are you trying to white-knuckle today? How’s that working for you? Be honest with yourself.

Are you willing to admit you are truly powerless to change without help?

How Long will you grieve?

 I Samuel 16:1     How long will you grieve?

Many have been asked this question, some in ignorance by insensitive well-meaning people, but more times than not for me, it is a question I ask myself. Typically it is associated with feelings of hurt and anger or resentment (all basically the same). I find myself holding onto things I simply need to release to God.

Samuel has just told Saul, in highly visible, hard to miss terms, that God has removed His favor from him, that he will be replaced as king. Samuel was grieving the loss. Perhaps he was remembering the good and regretting the bad choices Saul made that brought these consequences. Maybe there was some, "what could I have done, moments" but that is speculation. Samuel was God's messenger, his servant and was taking this loss personally but he knew he had obeyed God, still he was grieving.

God asks him a redundant question because knew Samuel and He already had the solution in the future. When my children were teenagers I used to tell them "get over it". It was not a very popular "mom ism" and often appear insensitive. But I knew what they did not; tomorrow comes and life goes on, with all it's hurts and moves us forward. God tells Samuel to "get over it" and move - do something; specifically let's go get my anointed king.

When I think about that pivotal moment in history and how it has affected the lives of more than a few, I see God's hand in His plan. Saul had a place in that plan, it was a different place but God used it to build up a faithful King. When I think about this young, ruddy, handsome youth it brings me to amazement and gratitude for my loving God. This psalmist with all his failures and successes, his faithfulness in the midst of terror, his love for His God and his place in prophecy, the lineage of Christ, I am grateful that God's plan is always better than mine or Samuel's.

Samuel struggled letting of of the past; grieving for Saul. But he trusted God enough to move forward and usher in King David, a man after God's own heart.

Is there something in the past that God might be asking that question of you? How long will you grieve?
God is the God of both the past and the future. His promises are true and sure, his love steadfast and stronger than any thing that might be holding us back. What might this pivot point between the past and the future be ushering in for us?

Ebb and Flow :Rhythms of Waiting

Waiting for God to reveal his direction is like watching the waves reach the shore. BIG MOVEMENTS, smaller movement, some sideways and crossing, but in the end, you find yourself standing in the tide, surprised somehow by the waves kissing your feet. You run to preserve what had been ill prepared, though you watched carefully the movement towards you. Surprised . . . why? Yet it was for this movement, this direction you had longed and pleaded for, as you hearts desire. There is an example in the movie Facing the Giants that demonstrates this well. Two farmers in the midst of a drought, plead with God for mercy in the form of rain. One farmer continues to till and work the soil, planting as if. The other waiting idle for God. The question is "Which farmer believed God?" The admonition, "Prepare for rain."

Ephesians 5; in the behavioral side of the book says, Be imitators of Christ and verse 16 continues the "how" part with "making the best of your time" and then verse 21"  . .submitting to one another our of reverence for Christ."  Jon Byron taught Ephesians 5:21-33 on Sunday night at The Gathering, about submission, the position, the paradigm, the practice.  The paradigm shift is provided in the example given by Christ. The willingness to come under authority of another by choice, to lay down my own agenda for the agenda of another. Coming under, by choice, the headship of Christ in all relationships, not only for the sake of the horizontal relationship, but primarily because of the vertical one with Christ.

That often means waiting, as Jesus did for his Father's will, demonstrated repeatedly in the Gospels. He deferred to his Father's will, his Father's timing, his Father's purpose.

Are there dreams, requests, desires, expressed or repressed you have abandoned because God appears to be motionless? Go spend a day observing the movements of the Ocean and prepare for the tide to reach the shore. Be imitators of Christ in the waiting.

Discipline . . . not my favorite subject.

Math is a foreign language to me, foreign in both it's meaning and application. Frankly were it no for the constraints of a class, I wound not invest the time.  Math has become a trainer, like a yoke on an oxen or saddle on an untamed horse. Like the wild animal, I am frustrated by the constraints, the difficulty or the process which is  exhausting and time consuming. I think, though perhaps for the first time in my life, I have a real concept of discipline. Sure I can compare discipline to practicing piano a as a child or even the correction from my parents, but this discipline is different. It is a constraint by choice with a goal in mind, my degree.

If I want a degree  in psychology- a bachelors of science, I must take math; algebra to be at a certain level to understand other classes like statistics. Math has a purpose, an end result, and it cost me something.  . . money, time, sleep, relationships, recreation. I have to evaluate everything, and I do mean everything, in relationship to this class and the ultimate goal, though the real "trainer" right now is the class and  its immediate requirements.

If I were a naturally disciplined person this would not be an issue but then it would not be discipline if it were natural? (is that like the tree in the forest question?) This disciple is forced on my by virtue of the goal, the requirements of the university and accreditation of the degree.

The Apostle Paul ( arguably) says All discipline is unpleasant in the process and for the moment BUT will produce peaceable fruits of righteousness Hebrews 12:11.

All discipline, - so spiritual, physical, mental, emotional - all discipline is painful, because it is at war with the natural, human desire for self enjoyment, self indulgence, self "control"(or lack of it). Discipline presses against the 'god' within our flesh or perhaps that is our flesh.

My heart is to be a disciplined person, spiritually, physically, emotionally and intellectually BUT my mind is weak. Paul say my flesh is weak. What I want to do I do no and what I desire to eliminate from my life, I cannot. There is more to this battle; this war, than a will to enter the fight. What moves me voluntarily into this battle? The ultimate goal.

Certainly I could drop this class but I would sacrifice the degree. I could go around it perhaps by sidestepping it for a lessor class but the foundation for future classes would be compromised.

I think this post leads me to other topics such as tutors and the process but for now, let me say that Math is painful, it's expensive in terms of time, relationships and resources but it is necessary for the ultimate goal.

Henri Nouwen in "The Life of the Beloved" says "You are free to do what you want ~ if you really want it"

My food for thought:
       What do I want?
        Am I willing to do the work, to be disciplined, to pay the price?

If I am not, do I really want it?

Prayer: Lord help me focus on what matters to you. By your Holy Spirit, help me press on in the areas you are training me, disciplining me so I can be ready to move ahead, toward the goal, the prize of the calling, peaceable fruits of righteousness.

Matthew 13:44-45

Exposed . ..

Living recovery is a process and the destination will not be reached until we see Jesus face to face. Many think recovery is for only those with drug and alcohol problems. It is true that a Scripture based 12 step program is most effective in these cases because Christ IS the only higher power that can transform from within. But recovery is for everyone who struggles with things or attitudes that keep them bound up, less than, in their minds; that keep them stuck in unhealthy attitudes and behaviors. Recovery set me on a path that allows me to experience God more fully each day because I see more clearly how my actions and reactions are rooted in my own destructive thought patterns and responses to past hurts.

I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ, a  recovering co-dependent, people pleaser who struggles with over indulgence with food and spending. As previously blogged,  as a people pleaser, I struggle with perfectionism and that keeps me paralyzed in fear and procrastination. If it cannot be perfect, I simply will not start. A part of that was exposed more clearly for me yesterday in a conversation with the love of my life, Michael. He feels God is calling him to avail himself of an opportunity for stretching in his walk with the Lord. I, in my fear of being "less than" and in my sick control issues, was resistant to the idea for totally self focused reasons. Truly it is all about me. (NOTE SARCASM!) The Holy Spirit convicted me and told me to "stand down" as my dear friend and sponsor used to say. My heart was truly exposed.  I want approval from others about everything and every one in my life. I was afraid that this "stretching event" would go badly and reflect on me. (SICK, RIGHT?). 

My need for approval and confirmation from the world runs so deep and weaves it's way into every area of my life. My looks, my home, my relationships and the things I clearly know God has asked me to do. 

II Corinthians 3:1-6

Paul asks a questions of the Corinthian church probably it's leadership, "Are we beginning to commend ourselves again? Followed by a leading question he already knew the answer to. "Surely we do not need, as some do, letters of recommendation to you or from you do we? Then the truth statements he is so gifted at: "You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, to be known and read by all: and you show that you are a letter of Christ, prepared by us, written not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts."

He continues to remind them that their confidence is in Christ alone, their calling is from Christ alone and in obedience, regardless of the response or the outcome, obedience to the call of Christ is to be followed by those of us who claim His name, who call him Lord, The Redeemed.

Is God calling, asking you to do something? It does not have to be a big thing, maybe be kind to a thorn in your flesh, or give money or food to that homeless person you judge. Regardless of what He is asking, in faith follow, to Quote Nike, "JUST DO IT" and then as Charles Stanley says often, "Leave the rest up to God."

Tunnel VIsion

We are blessed to live just about an hour and a half out of Yosemite. It is one of our favorite places and a very spiritual place for both Mike and me. I was reading an email this morning from a friend who is struggling in some familiar places for me, finding purpose, and that lead me to recall a memory of Yosemite.

Our first trip into the Yosemite valley was about 18 or 19 years ago. We approached from the south, heading home to Oregon after a trip to Disneyland for the kids. As we drove down a winding road, the view was less than spectacular. We entered a tunnel and as we exited. we gasps at the magnificence of the view of half dome. The wonder that is Yosemite valley exploded in front of us. It was beyond anything we had imagined and we were awestruck.

Ruth 4

The whole book of Ruth is interesting culturally and is a perfect example of love and devotion. It is a story of loss, depression and  hopelessness. It is also a story of redemption, faith, love and restoration. Naomi is depressed and hopeless enough to change her name to Mara, which means bitter. Life had not turned out as she had expected. She had lost her husband and two sons. No small loss, and she was left with two daughters- in- law of foreign birth. No where to go but back home in shame and sorrow, total destitute, she returns with Ruth, her devoted daughter-in-law.

Read the account and one can just feel her sorrow and as a woman, the story takes my breath away in anxiety. The process for women in that culture was unique and I do not completely understand it but suffice it to say, Naomi did all in her power to get back on her feet, utilizing the process she had available. As I wrote in an earlier blog, what seems to be by "chance" is God quietly at work in the self-imposed restraints of time.
Chapter four is like driving through  the tunnel at Yosemite for me. All the pieces come together from this messed up situation and the view of the hand of God is spectacular!

Boaz followed the system and offers the redeemer,  his first right of refusal, so to speak. He first speaks of the land and the redeemer is interested but then Boaz mentions both Ruth and Naomi as part of the deal. The first redeemer is not interested because it will "impair my own inheritance". So Boaz, who is less interested in the land and more interested in Ruth and Naomi, exercises his redemptive rights, and marries Ruth.

Here's the view, the breathtaking view of God's handiwork, the hopeless situation turning into hope for all mankind, for you, for me.

Ruth 4:21 Salmon fathered Boaz, Boaz fathered Obed, Obed fathered Jesse, Jesse fathered David. 
Matthew 1:1 The book of the genealogy of Jesus Christ, the son of David . . . .

I struggle with Tunnel vision . . . .

Are there places you cannot see the hand of God? 

        Keep pressing on in faith!            One day at a time!   
                                                                
        He has a spectacular plan!

Perfectionism

If someone had called me a perfectionist two years ago, before I started back to school, I would have laughed in their face. Nothing I do is EVER perfect.  Recently my daughter got married in our yard. Our "yard" is really about twelve  "normal" yards. It requires a great deal of work normally but if there is going to be an event here, the preparation get a little nuts. (please note the sarcasm). Nicole and I have been dreaming , like most Moms and daughters about how her special day would look; colors, atmosphere, flowers, "stuff". When it came to crunch time, she and I lived on Pinterest and talked almost daily. (She lives in Wyoming and I live in California). I had resolved this day was going to be wonderful but certainly not perfect. I was determined that I would not be driven by my sick expectation that everything would come off without a hitch. The day was wonderful. The bride and groom were amazing and friends and family had an amazing time. I had to force myself to see the good and not focus on the flowers or the single weed that dared to show itself.

PERFECTIONISM.

It plagues me daily. I tanked a math test on Sunday. Not because I have not invested the time to study but because I don't have a math brain and it takes longer for concepts of Algebra to sink in. I have also come to believe that mathematicians need to get a life. What was wrong with real language that they had to create a whole new one for math?  I digress . . . .

I have a 99% in this class but all I can focus on is the tanked test and how I can recover my near perfect GPA.  I'm almost sick about it and spend hours tying to improve. To what end?

I read this morning in Ephesians 4:1-8 about eagerness for unity in the body of Christ. That's the church universal and for me specifically, it is the community of people God places in my life. As I sat meditating on the word "Eager" this Math class was the first thing that came to mind. I'm eager for an "A".  I'm driven for an "A"; driven to perfection. Perfection is an illusion, it's what Solomon calls a vapor, a form or reality but empty.  I'm eager to manage the perception others have of me.  I'm eager to be above average. That's comparing and pride. (If you have the opportunity to read Timothy Keller's book, The Freedom of Self-forgetfulness, Do it!)

Paul tells us in this passage to be eager for unity in the body of Christ in the bonds of peace. Paul's framework, laid in the previous three chapters is that all believers are called and that calling will be evidenced in a life transformed by the power of Christ within. It will be gentle, humble and others focused BECAUSE it is a surrendered life to our redeemer.

Perfectionism is opposite of humility. Humility focuses on what is and responds in gratitude. Gentleness comes from a peaceful place, not an internal battlefield. Unity and an eagerness for that is Christ focused first and that flows into relationships, even challenging one.

Food for thought:
What are you eager for?
Does it match up with Paul's description in Ephesian 4?

Nothing's new under the sun . . .

See you tomorrow turned into two days. . . but I'm back.

It is my daily habit to get up early, get a cup of coffee and head to my quite place. That "place" changes regularly but since my laptop crashed, it has moved me back into my office to write. I often let the world of emails, (typically advertisements)  draw me away from my intended purpose, at least until the coffee wakes up  my brain. Today that advertisement took me to a book about managing creative time. The brief section I read energized my weakened resolve and fanned a smoldering spark. From the world's perspective creativity   all begins with self. This book is no different. From God's perspective creativity  begins with Him.

Psalm 51:6-12

Some of the topics in this book deal with personal demons - the belief system that hinders forward movement.  Verse 6 says You desire truth in the inward being.  Translated, stop lying to yourself and letting those lies drive your life. God wants me to live in truth.

Where are those places where you are believing the lie about yourself?

There is hope for change and it requires a process of change, according to the author of my new book.
Verse 6 continues (because lying to myself is counter to what God desires), teach me wisdom in my secret heart.

The new book's next step, in this early reading, is change my daily habits and order time according to creative priorities, be intentional and disciplined.

Verses 7-8 Speak of the pain associate with becoming and the joy that will replace the pain. Joy that involves forgiveness of old ways and the hope that only God can sustain movement toward Him and his purpose for us.

Is there pain in your process right now? Where is God placing pressure on you and what is that exposing?

The book's title leads the reader toward a hope, a rejuvenation of dreams and plans that benefit self and others.

Likewise, the Psalmist in verses 10 -13 Speaks of hope for a heart in sync with God's plan, clean from Satan's lies, a spirit renewed. He prays in confirmation, that God's presence will not leave and he is forgiven and restored by faith; joyfully experiencing God presence.

Where is your faith? Do you believe as the Psalmist that God has not abandoned you or given up on his purpose for you?

Finally in verse 13 what changes inside results in a life that affects others and benefits the Kingdom. First comes a place of joy and praise, change through discipline then and only then will God's plan be realized.

Lord, help me today to surrender to your discipline, be thankful for your presence and move towards truth so that the Kingdom will expand and grow for your glory. Let me see you in the processes of today that are uncomfortable and stretch my faith.

Satisfied?

 Yesterday was a challenging day for me, physically, emotionally and professionally. We had a grass fire at work. I am the safety director. We had trained on the use of fire extinguishers and that was successful. We have an emergency action plan in place and that worked, but not as written. Our crews were rock stars and managed to extinguish the fire before it got out of control. Though it threatened one of our houses, frightened it's tenants, no one was hurt and no property was lost. In most areas it was a success. It, however exposed my physical condition as I ran to retrieve more fire extinguishers and direct crews from my end. My legs felt like concrete and my heart pounded violently in my adrenaline rushed body. I felt like my lungs were too small and there was not enough air or strength, but I pressed on because my guys were in harms way.

Today I do not want to be the person I was yesterday. Last night I overate, continuing the weekend binge from my math class stress. I watch, almost as an observer as my addition to food took over. It did not matter that I knew I was "using" all that mattered was I needed to feel better at any cost. I watched it clearly and choose the behavior. I am still experiencing the consequences of that binge; then yesterday's event exposed even more consequences of my food choice and coach potato life style.

Ruth 2:14-16
  Ruth and Naomi have returned to Naomi's home under stressful circumstances. They are without so much of what they need to survive. In chapter one, the hand of God is clearly seen as He makes a way and opens doors in areas that seem to be "by chance".  In this section, Ruth is given an opportunity to work and eat under Boaz's protection and from his abundance. Given the opportunity to slack off and over indulge, which would be "natural" coming from a place of almost starvation, Ruth eats until she is satisfied and no more.She has left overs that she take to Naomi.

Was it discipline or love that helped her know herself so well? Was it because she was without that she wanted to store for the future? Was it the feeling that this could end at any moment? Was she trying to impress her benefactor? Her motivation, most likely was her love for Naomi, professed beautifully in the "wither thou goest" section of chapter one. Devotion to her family and her family's God. She knew her limits. She recognized "satisfied". Even under the circumstances she did not take advantage of this opportunity. She exercised self-control out of love and devotion.

I need to sit with this today. I am devoted only to myself when it comes to eating. This is an area where I am completely undisciplined.  Step one, two and three of recovery . . .
           

1.         My life is out of control - Highlighted yesterday in my limited ability to move
2.         I am not God - I cannot fix this alone.  I have tried and failed so much it's my normal.
3.         I surrender not out of only exhaustion and failure but because the same God that orchestrated  the events that provided for Ruth and Naomi, loves me and wants this area of my life.

Day one of Change:

                  Spiritual Goal: Surrender by paying attention to God in this area of my life.

                  Emotional Goal: Identify my H.A.L.T and journal it, not acting out in it.

                  Physical Goal: Food Journal and 20 minute of physical activity also journaled.

 Lord, I cannot do this without the power of your Holy Spirit. I do not have to ask if it is your will because I KNOW it is you will to be the Lord of all areas of my life. To this I surrender and ask for you power and strength.

                 See you tomorrow