How Deep the Father's love for us.

O, for a thousand tongues to sing . . . .                                 How deep the Father’s love for us . . .

              The love of God, how rich, how pure, how measureless and strong . . .

                                                                       Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saves . . .   

Psalm 56:9 says, This I know, God is for me.

 The “knowing” described here comes from a deep place within, not rooted in feelings or emotion, but in the proven promises of God, in His track record of keeping His promises. It comes by faith and that faith, a gift from God as well.

Have you ever been in a place of such grief and emotional sadness because life has been turned upside down for someone you love? My heart is broken for my friends, yet my words fall empty, my tongue cannot adequately express my love or my heartache. What grieves me most, however, is my inability, my inadequacy to express God’s love for them. To communicate in the midst of their pain that God weeps for them. He holds their tears in a bottle; His gentle eternal compassion covers them like a warm blanket in this cold, hard place. 

What a flawed plan, this plan of God, to give such a powerful message of love and compassion, of hope and eternity to earthen vessels such as myself. I keep coming back to verses about his strength is made perfect, complete, full in my weakness. Songs that extol his majesty and glory, his love and compassion, yet in my feeble attempt to comfort or encourage, it seems to fall on  ears made deaf by aching hearts.

What is my job, my calling in moments where those I love are hurting so deeply? What can I do? How can I love more deeply?  All I can do is pray and that seems, to this recovering performance junkie, not enough. Yet it is enough, because it is not up to me to give ears to ones heart, it is my place to speak and love and serve from the depths of God’s love and mercy for me, and pray the Holy Spirit does the rest.

Still, my heart breaks but this I know, God is love; Jesus came as the physical demonstration of His sacrificial love; it is a free and personal gift wrapped in this perfect package with my name, your name on it; ours for the taking, believing, accepting. 

Lord, give ears to hear.

Powerless . . .reality vs perception

I Samuel 28:3-20

 Vs. 5 - When Saul saw the army of the Philistine, he was afraid and his heart trembled greatly. When Saul inquired of the Lord, the Lord did not answer him. 

Saul was caught by his own offenses- abandoned by God; seemingly out of options.

How do we learn? Some slower than others but most life change, reverse- boosting lessons are wrought in the struggle with consequences and circumstance. Saul saw his enemies circling the wagons. These are the same guys he needed David’s help with before; the same army that rendered him powerless but for divine intervention, a shepherd. He was afraid and had burned all his bridges and needed one he could rebuild quickly. His options:

®    David – not likely, he’s been trying to kill him

®    Samuel – dead

®    Mediums and wizards – banished

®    The Lord, God almighty- not answering him

 So he did what any reasonable person in power would do; he ordered help. He managed his circumstances. “Go find me a woman who is a medium.” (Vs 7)

I think this little section of scripture is ironic. Look at the extremes Saul goes to in order to protect his identify, manage perception. (Vs 8) He dresses in disguise; goes at night and takes only people he can control (these guys were on the payroll). Saul is blinded to the obvious; if she is a medium, she will reveal the truth. Wasn't that what he was after, truth and guidance? He asks for Samuel and as before Saul’s heart and identity are revealed.  Samuel speaks the truth he had told him before, you have lost the kingdom because you disobeyed God, but he added, “Tomorrow you and your sons will be with me.” Dead.  Where was Samuel? Wherever that place was, Saul and his sons would be there in about 24 hours.

Look at God’s grace! Saul was a royal screw-up. He was stuck in a powerless cycle and chose not to get out of it. He had the tools. He picked every resource available but the one that could truly help. The step that required him to admit, confess and humble out before a righteous, just God. Saul wanted his power and position back and now added to his wish list, life not death.

Repentance and surrender may not have changed his circumstance- the consequences of his action but it would have given him what he truly longed for, peace. The peace that only comes through humility and surrender, the peace that only comes when we admit we are powerless. Saul had tried to manipulate and bully his way through his circumstance and like quicksand, only got more stuck. The rescuer must be a power from outside, bigger than us.

What’s your quicksand?

What ways to you identify with Saul’s sick behavior?

How are you trying to manage and correct what you are powerless to correct or manage?

Two choices

Surrender to your higher power                                 Stay in the sick cycle

                                                                        Two consequences

Peace and  the power to recover                                   Repeat the cycle of sick destructive behavior

Step One . . .the reoccurring step

Step one,

‘We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.’ (The Purpose Driven Life Recovery resource, J. Baker, 1998)

For I know nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature; For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. Rom 7:18

I have spent the last six years or so understanding recovery and for the most part “working” recovery, “practicing its principals in all my affairs”. I will say, sometime better than others. Often, the reality is that I am looking back at a situation or event and seeing how I did? More or less a daily inventory or score card. I think though, the hardest steps that I come back to in my “failures” are step one, two and three.

I often struggle seeing my life as unmanageable. I am a recovering co-dependent performance junkie. I measure my success and failure by these two goal posts; did I please someone or did I stand out in my efforts. Even writing these words is painful and exposes the depths of my pride. 

Step one: Admit I am powerless and that these defects of character and this sin is unmanageable by me alone. I have the desire, sometimes to do what is right but I am powerless to carry it out, alone.

“We” has been pointed out in the language of this first step. Community, for certain, is powerful and an important component to recovery, but “we” also means that someone bigger, more powerful than myself must be involved to move me forward from this seemingly hopeless and helpless state.

“White knucklers”, “I can do it alone”, “I just need more discipline”, folks must overcome their pride in this first step. Admit, accept, recognize, I am powerless to fix this alone.

We are taught to be self-sufficient and yet in God’s economy that is self destructive. Recovery requires community. It requires exposure of those deep dark places to someone. It requires an honest look at yourself and understanding that all your best efforts have not achieved victory that is sustained. If you had won, you would not be back. You would have moved on. If you are like me, your cycle is a sick one that just keeps bringing you back to point A. You can get off this merry-go-round. Step one is the only place to begin. If you move beyond it, trust me, you will return. I did.

What are you trying to white-knuckle today? How’s that working for you? Be honest with yourself.

Are you willing to admit you are truly powerless to change without help?

How Long will you grieve?

 I Samuel 16:1     How long will you grieve?

Many have been asked this question, some in ignorance by insensitive well-meaning people, but more times than not for me, it is a question I ask myself. Typically it is associated with feelings of hurt and anger or resentment (all basically the same). I find myself holding onto things I simply need to release to God.

Samuel has just told Saul, in highly visible, hard to miss terms, that God has removed His favor from him, that he will be replaced as king. Samuel was grieving the loss. Perhaps he was remembering the good and regretting the bad choices Saul made that brought these consequences. Maybe there was some, "what could I have done, moments" but that is speculation. Samuel was God's messenger, his servant and was taking this loss personally but he knew he had obeyed God, still he was grieving.

God asks him a redundant question because knew Samuel and He already had the solution in the future. When my children were teenagers I used to tell them "get over it". It was not a very popular "mom ism" and often appear insensitive. But I knew what they did not; tomorrow comes and life goes on, with all it's hurts and moves us forward. God tells Samuel to "get over it" and move - do something; specifically let's go get my anointed king.

When I think about that pivotal moment in history and how it has affected the lives of more than a few, I see God's hand in His plan. Saul had a place in that plan, it was a different place but God used it to build up a faithful King. When I think about this young, ruddy, handsome youth it brings me to amazement and gratitude for my loving God. This psalmist with all his failures and successes, his faithfulness in the midst of terror, his love for His God and his place in prophecy, the lineage of Christ, I am grateful that God's plan is always better than mine or Samuel's.

Samuel struggled letting of of the past; grieving for Saul. But he trusted God enough to move forward and usher in King David, a man after God's own heart.

Is there something in the past that God might be asking that question of you? How long will you grieve?
God is the God of both the past and the future. His promises are true and sure, his love steadfast and stronger than any thing that might be holding us back. What might this pivot point between the past and the future be ushering in for us?

Ebb and Flow :Rhythms of Waiting

Waiting for God to reveal his direction is like watching the waves reach the shore. BIG MOVEMENTS, smaller movement, some sideways and crossing, but in the end, you find yourself standing in the tide, surprised somehow by the waves kissing your feet. You run to preserve what had been ill prepared, though you watched carefully the movement towards you. Surprised . . . why? Yet it was for this movement, this direction you had longed and pleaded for, as you hearts desire. There is an example in the movie Facing the Giants that demonstrates this well. Two farmers in the midst of a drought, plead with God for mercy in the form of rain. One farmer continues to till and work the soil, planting as if. The other waiting idle for God. The question is "Which farmer believed God?" The admonition, "Prepare for rain."

Ephesians 5; in the behavioral side of the book says, Be imitators of Christ and verse 16 continues the "how" part with "making the best of your time" and then verse 21"  . .submitting to one another our of reverence for Christ."  Jon Byron taught Ephesians 5:21-33 on Sunday night at The Gathering, about submission, the position, the paradigm, the practice.  The paradigm shift is provided in the example given by Christ. The willingness to come under authority of another by choice, to lay down my own agenda for the agenda of another. Coming under, by choice, the headship of Christ in all relationships, not only for the sake of the horizontal relationship, but primarily because of the vertical one with Christ.

That often means waiting, as Jesus did for his Father's will, demonstrated repeatedly in the Gospels. He deferred to his Father's will, his Father's timing, his Father's purpose.

Are there dreams, requests, desires, expressed or repressed you have abandoned because God appears to be motionless? Go spend a day observing the movements of the Ocean and prepare for the tide to reach the shore. Be imitators of Christ in the waiting.

Discipline . . . not my favorite subject.

Math is a foreign language to me, foreign in both it's meaning and application. Frankly were it no for the constraints of a class, I wound not invest the time.  Math has become a trainer, like a yoke on an oxen or saddle on an untamed horse. Like the wild animal, I am frustrated by the constraints, the difficulty or the process which is  exhausting and time consuming. I think, though perhaps for the first time in my life, I have a real concept of discipline. Sure I can compare discipline to practicing piano a as a child or even the correction from my parents, but this discipline is different. It is a constraint by choice with a goal in mind, my degree.

If I want a degree  in psychology- a bachelors of science, I must take math; algebra to be at a certain level to understand other classes like statistics. Math has a purpose, an end result, and it cost me something.  . . money, time, sleep, relationships, recreation. I have to evaluate everything, and I do mean everything, in relationship to this class and the ultimate goal, though the real "trainer" right now is the class and  its immediate requirements.

If I were a naturally disciplined person this would not be an issue but then it would not be discipline if it were natural? (is that like the tree in the forest question?) This disciple is forced on my by virtue of the goal, the requirements of the university and accreditation of the degree.

The Apostle Paul ( arguably) says All discipline is unpleasant in the process and for the moment BUT will produce peaceable fruits of righteousness Hebrews 12:11.

All discipline, - so spiritual, physical, mental, emotional - all discipline is painful, because it is at war with the natural, human desire for self enjoyment, self indulgence, self "control"(or lack of it). Discipline presses against the 'god' within our flesh or perhaps that is our flesh.

My heart is to be a disciplined person, spiritually, physically, emotionally and intellectually BUT my mind is weak. Paul say my flesh is weak. What I want to do I do no and what I desire to eliminate from my life, I cannot. There is more to this battle; this war, than a will to enter the fight. What moves me voluntarily into this battle? The ultimate goal.

Certainly I could drop this class but I would sacrifice the degree. I could go around it perhaps by sidestepping it for a lessor class but the foundation for future classes would be compromised.

I think this post leads me to other topics such as tutors and the process but for now, let me say that Math is painful, it's expensive in terms of time, relationships and resources but it is necessary for the ultimate goal.

Henri Nouwen in "The Life of the Beloved" says "You are free to do what you want ~ if you really want it"

My food for thought:
       What do I want?
        Am I willing to do the work, to be disciplined, to pay the price?

If I am not, do I really want it?

Prayer: Lord help me focus on what matters to you. By your Holy Spirit, help me press on in the areas you are training me, disciplining me so I can be ready to move ahead, toward the goal, the prize of the calling, peaceable fruits of righteousness.

Matthew 13:44-45

Exposed . ..

Living recovery is a process and the destination will not be reached until we see Jesus face to face. Many think recovery is for only those with drug and alcohol problems. It is true that a Scripture based 12 step program is most effective in these cases because Christ IS the only higher power that can transform from within. But recovery is for everyone who struggles with things or attitudes that keep them bound up, less than, in their minds; that keep them stuck in unhealthy attitudes and behaviors. Recovery set me on a path that allows me to experience God more fully each day because I see more clearly how my actions and reactions are rooted in my own destructive thought patterns and responses to past hurts.

I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ, a  recovering co-dependent, people pleaser who struggles with over indulgence with food and spending. As previously blogged,  as a people pleaser, I struggle with perfectionism and that keeps me paralyzed in fear and procrastination. If it cannot be perfect, I simply will not start. A part of that was exposed more clearly for me yesterday in a conversation with the love of my life, Michael. He feels God is calling him to avail himself of an opportunity for stretching in his walk with the Lord. I, in my fear of being "less than" and in my sick control issues, was resistant to the idea for totally self focused reasons. Truly it is all about me. (NOTE SARCASM!) The Holy Spirit convicted me and told me to "stand down" as my dear friend and sponsor used to say. My heart was truly exposed.  I want approval from others about everything and every one in my life. I was afraid that this "stretching event" would go badly and reflect on me. (SICK, RIGHT?). 

My need for approval and confirmation from the world runs so deep and weaves it's way into every area of my life. My looks, my home, my relationships and the things I clearly know God has asked me to do. 

II Corinthians 3:1-6

Paul asks a questions of the Corinthian church probably it's leadership, "Are we beginning to commend ourselves again? Followed by a leading question he already knew the answer to. "Surely we do not need, as some do, letters of recommendation to you or from you do we? Then the truth statements he is so gifted at: "You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, to be known and read by all: and you show that you are a letter of Christ, prepared by us, written not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts."

He continues to remind them that their confidence is in Christ alone, their calling is from Christ alone and in obedience, regardless of the response or the outcome, obedience to the call of Christ is to be followed by those of us who claim His name, who call him Lord, The Redeemed.

Is God calling, asking you to do something? It does not have to be a big thing, maybe be kind to a thorn in your flesh, or give money or food to that homeless person you judge. Regardless of what He is asking, in faith follow, to Quote Nike, "JUST DO IT" and then as Charles Stanley says often, "Leave the rest up to God."