Exposed . ..

Living recovery is a process and the destination will not be reached until we see Jesus face to face. Many think recovery is for only those with drug and alcohol problems. It is true that a Scripture based 12 step program is most effective in these cases because Christ IS the only higher power that can transform from within. But recovery is for everyone who struggles with things or attitudes that keep them bound up, less than, in their minds; that keep them stuck in unhealthy attitudes and behaviors. Recovery set me on a path that allows me to experience God more fully each day because I see more clearly how my actions and reactions are rooted in my own destructive thought patterns and responses to past hurts.

I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ, a  recovering co-dependent, people pleaser who struggles with over indulgence with food and spending. As previously blogged,  as a people pleaser, I struggle with perfectionism and that keeps me paralyzed in fear and procrastination. If it cannot be perfect, I simply will not start. A part of that was exposed more clearly for me yesterday in a conversation with the love of my life, Michael. He feels God is calling him to avail himself of an opportunity for stretching in his walk with the Lord. I, in my fear of being "less than" and in my sick control issues, was resistant to the idea for totally self focused reasons. Truly it is all about me. (NOTE SARCASM!) The Holy Spirit convicted me and told me to "stand down" as my dear friend and sponsor used to say. My heart was truly exposed.  I want approval from others about everything and every one in my life. I was afraid that this "stretching event" would go badly and reflect on me. (SICK, RIGHT?). 

My need for approval and confirmation from the world runs so deep and weaves it's way into every area of my life. My looks, my home, my relationships and the things I clearly know God has asked me to do. 

II Corinthians 3:1-6

Paul asks a questions of the Corinthian church probably it's leadership, "Are we beginning to commend ourselves again? Followed by a leading question he already knew the answer to. "Surely we do not need, as some do, letters of recommendation to you or from you do we? Then the truth statements he is so gifted at: "You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, to be known and read by all: and you show that you are a letter of Christ, prepared by us, written not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts."

He continues to remind them that their confidence is in Christ alone, their calling is from Christ alone and in obedience, regardless of the response or the outcome, obedience to the call of Christ is to be followed by those of us who claim His name, who call him Lord, The Redeemed.

Is God calling, asking you to do something? It does not have to be a big thing, maybe be kind to a thorn in your flesh, or give money or food to that homeless person you judge. Regardless of what He is asking, in faith follow, to Quote Nike, "JUST DO IT" and then as Charles Stanley says often, "Leave the rest up to God."

Tunnel VIsion

We are blessed to live just about an hour and a half out of Yosemite. It is one of our favorite places and a very spiritual place for both Mike and me. I was reading an email this morning from a friend who is struggling in some familiar places for me, finding purpose, and that lead me to recall a memory of Yosemite.

Our first trip into the Yosemite valley was about 18 or 19 years ago. We approached from the south, heading home to Oregon after a trip to Disneyland for the kids. As we drove down a winding road, the view was less than spectacular. We entered a tunnel and as we exited. we gasps at the magnificence of the view of half dome. The wonder that is Yosemite valley exploded in front of us. It was beyond anything we had imagined and we were awestruck.

Ruth 4

The whole book of Ruth is interesting culturally and is a perfect example of love and devotion. It is a story of loss, depression and  hopelessness. It is also a story of redemption, faith, love and restoration. Naomi is depressed and hopeless enough to change her name to Mara, which means bitter. Life had not turned out as she had expected. She had lost her husband and two sons. No small loss, and she was left with two daughters- in- law of foreign birth. No where to go but back home in shame and sorrow, total destitute, she returns with Ruth, her devoted daughter-in-law.

Read the account and one can just feel her sorrow and as a woman, the story takes my breath away in anxiety. The process for women in that culture was unique and I do not completely understand it but suffice it to say, Naomi did all in her power to get back on her feet, utilizing the process she had available. As I wrote in an earlier blog, what seems to be by "chance" is God quietly at work in the self-imposed restraints of time.
Chapter four is like driving through  the tunnel at Yosemite for me. All the pieces come together from this messed up situation and the view of the hand of God is spectacular!

Boaz followed the system and offers the redeemer,  his first right of refusal, so to speak. He first speaks of the land and the redeemer is interested but then Boaz mentions both Ruth and Naomi as part of the deal. The first redeemer is not interested because it will "impair my own inheritance". So Boaz, who is less interested in the land and more interested in Ruth and Naomi, exercises his redemptive rights, and marries Ruth.

Here's the view, the breathtaking view of God's handiwork, the hopeless situation turning into hope for all mankind, for you, for me.

Ruth 4:21 Salmon fathered Boaz, Boaz fathered Obed, Obed fathered Jesse, Jesse fathered David. 
Matthew 1:1 The book of the genealogy of Jesus Christ, the son of David . . . .

I struggle with Tunnel vision . . . .

Are there places you cannot see the hand of God? 

        Keep pressing on in faith!            One day at a time!   
                                                                
        He has a spectacular plan!

Perfectionism

If someone had called me a perfectionist two years ago, before I started back to school, I would have laughed in their face. Nothing I do is EVER perfect.  Recently my daughter got married in our yard. Our "yard" is really about twelve  "normal" yards. It requires a great deal of work normally but if there is going to be an event here, the preparation get a little nuts. (please note the sarcasm). Nicole and I have been dreaming , like most Moms and daughters about how her special day would look; colors, atmosphere, flowers, "stuff". When it came to crunch time, she and I lived on Pinterest and talked almost daily. (She lives in Wyoming and I live in California). I had resolved this day was going to be wonderful but certainly not perfect. I was determined that I would not be driven by my sick expectation that everything would come off without a hitch. The day was wonderful. The bride and groom were amazing and friends and family had an amazing time. I had to force myself to see the good and not focus on the flowers or the single weed that dared to show itself.

PERFECTIONISM.

It plagues me daily. I tanked a math test on Sunday. Not because I have not invested the time to study but because I don't have a math brain and it takes longer for concepts of Algebra to sink in. I have also come to believe that mathematicians need to get a life. What was wrong with real language that they had to create a whole new one for math?  I digress . . . .

I have a 99% in this class but all I can focus on is the tanked test and how I can recover my near perfect GPA.  I'm almost sick about it and spend hours tying to improve. To what end?

I read this morning in Ephesians 4:1-8 about eagerness for unity in the body of Christ. That's the church universal and for me specifically, it is the community of people God places in my life. As I sat meditating on the word "Eager" this Math class was the first thing that came to mind. I'm eager for an "A".  I'm driven for an "A"; driven to perfection. Perfection is an illusion, it's what Solomon calls a vapor, a form or reality but empty.  I'm eager to manage the perception others have of me.  I'm eager to be above average. That's comparing and pride. (If you have the opportunity to read Timothy Keller's book, The Freedom of Self-forgetfulness, Do it!)

Paul tells us in this passage to be eager for unity in the body of Christ in the bonds of peace. Paul's framework, laid in the previous three chapters is that all believers are called and that calling will be evidenced in a life transformed by the power of Christ within. It will be gentle, humble and others focused BECAUSE it is a surrendered life to our redeemer.

Perfectionism is opposite of humility. Humility focuses on what is and responds in gratitude. Gentleness comes from a peaceful place, not an internal battlefield. Unity and an eagerness for that is Christ focused first and that flows into relationships, even challenging one.

Food for thought:
What are you eager for?
Does it match up with Paul's description in Ephesian 4?

Nothing's new under the sun . . .

See you tomorrow turned into two days. . . but I'm back.

It is my daily habit to get up early, get a cup of coffee and head to my quite place. That "place" changes regularly but since my laptop crashed, it has moved me back into my office to write. I often let the world of emails, (typically advertisements)  draw me away from my intended purpose, at least until the coffee wakes up  my brain. Today that advertisement took me to a book about managing creative time. The brief section I read energized my weakened resolve and fanned a smoldering spark. From the world's perspective creativity   all begins with self. This book is no different. From God's perspective creativity  begins with Him.

Psalm 51:6-12

Some of the topics in this book deal with personal demons - the belief system that hinders forward movement.  Verse 6 says You desire truth in the inward being.  Translated, stop lying to yourself and letting those lies drive your life. God wants me to live in truth.

Where are those places where you are believing the lie about yourself?

There is hope for change and it requires a process of change, according to the author of my new book.
Verse 6 continues (because lying to myself is counter to what God desires), teach me wisdom in my secret heart.

The new book's next step, in this early reading, is change my daily habits and order time according to creative priorities, be intentional and disciplined.

Verses 7-8 Speak of the pain associate with becoming and the joy that will replace the pain. Joy that involves forgiveness of old ways and the hope that only God can sustain movement toward Him and his purpose for us.

Is there pain in your process right now? Where is God placing pressure on you and what is that exposing?

The book's title leads the reader toward a hope, a rejuvenation of dreams and plans that benefit self and others.

Likewise, the Psalmist in verses 10 -13 Speaks of hope for a heart in sync with God's plan, clean from Satan's lies, a spirit renewed. He prays in confirmation, that God's presence will not leave and he is forgiven and restored by faith; joyfully experiencing God presence.

Where is your faith? Do you believe as the Psalmist that God has not abandoned you or given up on his purpose for you?

Finally in verse 13 what changes inside results in a life that affects others and benefits the Kingdom. First comes a place of joy and praise, change through discipline then and only then will God's plan be realized.

Lord, help me today to surrender to your discipline, be thankful for your presence and move towards truth so that the Kingdom will expand and grow for your glory. Let me see you in the processes of today that are uncomfortable and stretch my faith.

Satisfied?

 Yesterday was a challenging day for me, physically, emotionally and professionally. We had a grass fire at work. I am the safety director. We had trained on the use of fire extinguishers and that was successful. We have an emergency action plan in place and that worked, but not as written. Our crews were rock stars and managed to extinguish the fire before it got out of control. Though it threatened one of our houses, frightened it's tenants, no one was hurt and no property was lost. In most areas it was a success. It, however exposed my physical condition as I ran to retrieve more fire extinguishers and direct crews from my end. My legs felt like concrete and my heart pounded violently in my adrenaline rushed body. I felt like my lungs were too small and there was not enough air or strength, but I pressed on because my guys were in harms way.

Today I do not want to be the person I was yesterday. Last night I overate, continuing the weekend binge from my math class stress. I watch, almost as an observer as my addition to food took over. It did not matter that I knew I was "using" all that mattered was I needed to feel better at any cost. I watched it clearly and choose the behavior. I am still experiencing the consequences of that binge; then yesterday's event exposed even more consequences of my food choice and coach potato life style.

Ruth 2:14-16
  Ruth and Naomi have returned to Naomi's home under stressful circumstances. They are without so much of what they need to survive. In chapter one, the hand of God is clearly seen as He makes a way and opens doors in areas that seem to be "by chance".  In this section, Ruth is given an opportunity to work and eat under Boaz's protection and from his abundance. Given the opportunity to slack off and over indulge, which would be "natural" coming from a place of almost starvation, Ruth eats until she is satisfied and no more.She has left overs that she take to Naomi.

Was it discipline or love that helped her know herself so well? Was it because she was without that she wanted to store for the future? Was it the feeling that this could end at any moment? Was she trying to impress her benefactor? Her motivation, most likely was her love for Naomi, professed beautifully in the "wither thou goest" section of chapter one. Devotion to her family and her family's God. She knew her limits. She recognized "satisfied". Even under the circumstances she did not take advantage of this opportunity. She exercised self-control out of love and devotion.

I need to sit with this today. I am devoted only to myself when it comes to eating. This is an area where I am completely undisciplined.  Step one, two and three of recovery . . .
           

1.         My life is out of control - Highlighted yesterday in my limited ability to move
2.         I am not God - I cannot fix this alone.  I have tried and failed so much it's my normal.
3.         I surrender not out of only exhaustion and failure but because the same God that orchestrated  the events that provided for Ruth and Naomi, loves me and wants this area of my life.

Day one of Change:

                  Spiritual Goal: Surrender by paying attention to God in this area of my life.

                  Emotional Goal: Identify my H.A.L.T and journal it, not acting out in it.

                  Physical Goal: Food Journal and 20 minute of physical activity also journaled.

 Lord, I cannot do this without the power of your Holy Spirit. I do not have to ask if it is your will because I KNOW it is you will to be the Lord of all areas of my life. To this I surrender and ask for you power and strength.

                 See you tomorrow