Math is a foreign language to me, foreign in both it's meaning and application. Frankly were it no for the constraints of a class, I wound not invest the time. Math has become a trainer, like a yoke on an oxen or saddle on an untamed horse. Like the wild animal, I am frustrated by the constraints, the difficulty or the process which is exhausting and time consuming. I think, though perhaps for the first time in my life, I have a real concept of discipline. Sure I can compare discipline to practicing piano a as a child or even the correction from my parents, but this discipline is different. It is a constraint by choice with a goal in mind, my degree.
If I want a degree in psychology- a bachelors of science, I must take math; algebra to be at a certain level to understand other classes like statistics. Math has a purpose, an end result, and it cost me something. . . money, time, sleep, relationships, recreation. I have to evaluate everything, and I do mean everything, in relationship to this class and the ultimate goal, though the real "trainer" right now is the class and its immediate requirements.
If I were a naturally disciplined person this would not be an issue but then it would not be discipline if it were natural? (is that like the tree in the forest question?) This disciple is forced on my by virtue of the goal, the requirements of the university and accreditation of the degree.
The Apostle Paul ( arguably) says All discipline is unpleasant in the process and for the moment BUT will produce peaceable fruits of righteousness Hebrews 12:11.
All discipline, - so spiritual, physical, mental, emotional - all discipline is painful, because it is at war with the natural, human desire for self enjoyment, self indulgence, self "control"(or lack of it). Discipline presses against the 'god' within our flesh or perhaps that is our flesh.
My heart is to be a disciplined person, spiritually, physically, emotionally and intellectually BUT my mind is weak. Paul say my flesh is weak. What I want to do I do no and what I desire to eliminate from my life, I cannot. There is more to this battle; this war, than a will to enter the fight. What moves me voluntarily into this battle? The ultimate goal.
Certainly I could drop this class but I would sacrifice the degree. I could go around it perhaps by sidestepping it for a lessor class but the foundation for future classes would be compromised.
I think this post leads me to other topics such as tutors and the process but for now, let me say that Math is painful, it's expensive in terms of time, relationships and resources but it is necessary for the ultimate goal.
Henri Nouwen in "The Life of the Beloved" says "You are free to do what you want ~ if you really want it"
My food for thought:
What do I want?
Am I willing to do the work, to be disciplined, to pay the price?
If I am not, do I really want it?
Prayer: Lord help me focus on what matters to you. By your Holy Spirit, help me press on in the areas you are training me, disciplining me so I can be ready to move ahead, toward the goal, the prize of the calling, peaceable fruits of righteousness.
Matthew 13:44-45
Showing posts with label A trainer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label A trainer. Show all posts
Monday, June 3, 2013
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Expectations Part 3 - What is Blessed?
I have been trying to write this last section for about two weeks and God has prevented me through circumstance and today I understand His purpose. It was my limited understanding, or should I say He had not fully revealed the lesson He needed to teach me regarding "Blessed".
The premise of upside down living is that our expectations are not necessarily God's best. Though "things" look good and we believe they would give us a life that makes us happy, God's purpose is not really tied up in our happiness. I have to tell you sometimes I think that stinks. I know it hurts and life for many of us is less than pleasant. It doesn't match our dream of what we want or even think we deserve from God. After all we are "blessed", right? God loves me and has a plan for my life, right? Why can't that feel good? Shouldn't that be enjoyable, happy, painless, peaceful (add your own adverb/adjective) here. I have friends who I believe are Christians who are struggling with broken marriages, family crisis, mental illness, addictions, marriage struggles, health problems, financial crisis and have cried out to God. Are doing all they know how to get God's attention with the expectation of some kind of relief. I struggle with emotional eating and I surrender each day, praying that I will ultimately learn to manage my emotions without using food to numb them. I cry out to God for relief and deliverance.
WHERE IS THE BLESSING HERE LORD? YOU PROMISED! I EXPECTED!
When I originally was studying "Blessed" in the beatitudes Matthew 5, I believe and still do that "blessed" is positional, it has to do with relationship with Christ, the residing power of the Holy Spirit that give us the power to live "under" or should I say "above" the circumstance of the struggles the pain-promise dynamic describes in this passage. Today however, I believe that God has given me more clarity and perhaps is the reason for my inability to finish this series on the BE-attitudes.
Larry Crabb in his book Shattered Dreams God's Unexpected Pathway to Joy explains this with great clarity. When it seems God is unresponsive, when it seems He simply will not remove this cloud of grief, loneliness, sadness, despair, hardship; this suffering and pain. When all your cries appear to go unheard, there is a purpose in God's silence. In order for us to truly experience what it means to be "blessed" suffering, pain, hardship must proceed. It's goal and the heart beat of God though it feels unloving, is love; His indescribable love for you and me. God longs for relationship with us. He created us for relationship, intimate relationship with Him. Ever had a divided heart? You know where you want one thing and you really want another as well. Which one wins? For me most times it the easiest, the one I can get the quickest. Instant gratification, pain relief, satisfaction. For example, I long to be at a healthy weight for my age, body etc, but I love, love, love sugar. The two cannot exist together. One cancels out the other. God's desire for me is an undivided heart. He's desire is that I long for more of Him and less of me, the world etc. He wants me to experience His fullness as much as is possible this side of heaven. That fullness cannot be realized until all the dreams and expectations for my life, this "happy" life here on earth are demolished, creating room for Him. It in the creation of that space for God that we truly realize, even in the midst of pain, His deep abiding love for us.
"Blessed" folks are the people who in the middle of all their pain, cry out to God and even if it "feels" like He's left the building. They trust that in this mounting pressing downward, underneath is the sure foundation of a God who loves and desires our deepest heart to yearn for more of Him.
When you can't see His hand trust His heart. If you don't know His heart search for it. He promises you'll find Him. But don't be surprised if where you find him is at the bottom of the pit of despair.
Betsy Ten Boone said as she lay dying in a German concentration camp,
"No pit is so deep that God is not deeper still."
Underneath are the everlasting Arms Deuteronomy 33:27
The premise of upside down living is that our expectations are not necessarily God's best. Though "things" look good and we believe they would give us a life that makes us happy, God's purpose is not really tied up in our happiness. I have to tell you sometimes I think that stinks. I know it hurts and life for many of us is less than pleasant. It doesn't match our dream of what we want or even think we deserve from God. After all we are "blessed", right? God loves me and has a plan for my life, right? Why can't that feel good? Shouldn't that be enjoyable, happy, painless, peaceful (add your own adverb/adjective) here. I have friends who I believe are Christians who are struggling with broken marriages, family crisis, mental illness, addictions, marriage struggles, health problems, financial crisis and have cried out to God. Are doing all they know how to get God's attention with the expectation of some kind of relief. I struggle with emotional eating and I surrender each day, praying that I will ultimately learn to manage my emotions without using food to numb them. I cry out to God for relief and deliverance.
WHERE IS THE BLESSING HERE LORD? YOU PROMISED! I EXPECTED!
When I originally was studying "Blessed" in the beatitudes Matthew 5, I believe and still do that "blessed" is positional, it has to do with relationship with Christ, the residing power of the Holy Spirit that give us the power to live "under" or should I say "above" the circumstance of the struggles the pain-promise dynamic describes in this passage. Today however, I believe that God has given me more clarity and perhaps is the reason for my inability to finish this series on the BE-attitudes.
Larry Crabb in his book Shattered Dreams God's Unexpected Pathway to Joy explains this with great clarity. When it seems God is unresponsive, when it seems He simply will not remove this cloud of grief, loneliness, sadness, despair, hardship; this suffering and pain. When all your cries appear to go unheard, there is a purpose in God's silence. In order for us to truly experience what it means to be "blessed" suffering, pain, hardship must proceed. It's goal and the heart beat of God though it feels unloving, is love; His indescribable love for you and me. God longs for relationship with us. He created us for relationship, intimate relationship with Him. Ever had a divided heart? You know where you want one thing and you really want another as well. Which one wins? For me most times it the easiest, the one I can get the quickest. Instant gratification, pain relief, satisfaction. For example, I long to be at a healthy weight for my age, body etc, but I love, love, love sugar. The two cannot exist together. One cancels out the other. God's desire for me is an undivided heart. He's desire is that I long for more of Him and less of me, the world etc. He wants me to experience His fullness as much as is possible this side of heaven. That fullness cannot be realized until all the dreams and expectations for my life, this "happy" life here on earth are demolished, creating room for Him. It in the creation of that space for God that we truly realize, even in the midst of pain, His deep abiding love for us.
"Blessed" folks are the people who in the middle of all their pain, cry out to God and even if it "feels" like He's left the building. They trust that in this mounting pressing downward, underneath is the sure foundation of a God who loves and desires our deepest heart to yearn for more of Him.
When you can't see His hand trust His heart. If you don't know His heart search for it. He promises you'll find Him. But don't be surprised if where you find him is at the bottom of the pit of despair.
Betsy Ten Boone said as she lay dying in a German concentration camp,
"No pit is so deep that God is not deeper still."
Underneath are the everlasting Arms Deuteronomy 33:27
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Expectations -Part 2
God has allowed me to invest in the lives of several women who are struggling with emotional pain. I count that a privilege and do not take it lightly. What God draws me to is my own healing process from which to lead. "You can't teach what you don't know experientially." So it's from that place I speak.
Everyone hates to hurt. Given the opportunity I'd pick no pain. Jane Fonda used to say "No pain, no gain" and I think she had it right. This principle seems to be a central theme throughout scripture. Paul counts his gain as loss for the sake of the knowing Christ. He'd give it all up again for more of Jesus. I'd agree in my own life, I'd had a lot and lost a lot but I'd do it all again for more of Jesus in me, more relationship. Was there pain in this process? Absolutely! So I'm back to the beatitudes in Matthew 5:1-12 and this "upside down" living as it relates to pain and hard circumstances.
Everyone hates to hurt. Given the opportunity I'd pick no pain. Jane Fonda used to say "No pain, no gain" and I think she had it right. This principle seems to be a central theme throughout scripture. Paul counts his gain as loss for the sake of the knowing Christ. He'd give it all up again for more of Jesus. I'd agree in my own life, I'd had a lot and lost a lot but I'd do it all again for more of Jesus in me, more relationship. Was there pain in this process? Absolutely! So I'm back to the beatitudes in Matthew 5:1-12 and this "upside down" living as it relates to pain and hard circumstances.
- Blessed are the poor in spirit . . .
- Blessed are those who mourn . . . .
- Blessed are the meek . . .
- Blessed are the merciful . . .
- Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness sake . . .
- Blessed are the pure in heart . . .
- Blessed are the peacemakers . . .
- Blessed are the persecuted . . .
- Blessed are those who are mistreated because of their faith . . .
If you look at each of these, there is pain, heartache, difficulty, dissension, lies. What part of that sounds like fun? In order to experience "poor in spirit" there was a point where the opposite had to be experienced, right? Mourning indicates loss of something, a dream, a person, old patterns of behavior; being merciful indicates that a hurt was experienced. Mercy is not giving someone what they deserve; hunger and thirst leads me to believe there is a longing for more, a discontent at the current status; purity in heart comes from cleansing; peace cannot be realized unless there was war at one time, persecution is pain, outright pain and is the last person, mistreated because of their faith. How can this be Blessed? It certainly doesn't feel blessed. In fact if feels often times like abandonment, unfairness, devaluing and unloving, right?
So all this pain has a future promise but the "Blessed" is what? How does the work? Maybe the answer lies in the definition of "Blessed". (it's times like these I wished I had stayed in that Greek class, but thank God for books!)
Maybe part three, because this is getting long. So for now, the "upside down" living looks like pain = something good in the future. That still leaves the pain in the now.
To this I cling . . . John 16:33 "These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world."
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Expectations Matthew 5:1-12 (part 1)
I think my "big Picture" or lesson or theme for 2011 is going to be "It's not going to look like you thought it would." or how about "Expect the unexpected" is that Riley's believe it or not?
Recently God has been showing me in scripture that my life is not going to look like I expected. That may not be any new revelation for most people but I'm a classic dreamer, romantic and enterpernueral type. Those are all different sides of the same coin. I'm always looking beyond and find it difficult to live in the moment. It goes along with my "enough-is-never-enough" filter. Comes from my childhood and I won't bore you with those details, however it's a flawed filter and performance based, which is counter to Grace (by the way).
So back to the thought . . .
There are tons of events in my life that document that statement, "its not going to look like you think it will." So I'm reading Matthew 5:1-12 which we know as the beatitudes. Interesting word "beatitude". It's not in Scripture so it was added for our convenience but I don't think the means it's not a divinely ordained word for this section. Unique word, coined by someone who probably got this long ago. I'll probably come back to this again later as I continue to study this section of scripture. . . again I digress. . .
Today I was lazor-beamed on "upside down" living. What they expected and what Jesus offers. Jesus had a group of greenhorns around him and a crowd at the bottom of the hill, looking for help; and he teaches this group about upside down living; its different than what you think. The law was/is important but he wanted their heart to go beyond obedience to a deeper level. "The law says love your brother, but I say love your enemy" upside down living, not the expected message from this prophet, Messiah, Rabbi and soon to be Savior. See what I mean.
So in light of that, I must ask, Is your life what you expected? What's the reality of your life? As I continue to explore the beatitudes, I'm excited to see what's so "blessed" about this "upside down" living.
Recently God has been showing me in scripture that my life is not going to look like I expected. That may not be any new revelation for most people but I'm a classic dreamer, romantic and enterpernueral type. Those are all different sides of the same coin. I'm always looking beyond and find it difficult to live in the moment. It goes along with my "enough-is-never-enough" filter. Comes from my childhood and I won't bore you with those details, however it's a flawed filter and performance based, which is counter to Grace (by the way).
So back to the thought . . .
There are tons of events in my life that document that statement, "its not going to look like you think it will." So I'm reading Matthew 5:1-12 which we know as the beatitudes. Interesting word "beatitude". It's not in Scripture so it was added for our convenience but I don't think the means it's not a divinely ordained word for this section. Unique word, coined by someone who probably got this long ago. I'll probably come back to this again later as I continue to study this section of scripture. . . again I digress. . .
Today I was lazor-beamed on "upside down" living. What they expected and what Jesus offers. Jesus had a group of greenhorns around him and a crowd at the bottom of the hill, looking for help; and he teaches this group about upside down living; its different than what you think. The law was/is important but he wanted their heart to go beyond obedience to a deeper level. "The law says love your brother, but I say love your enemy" upside down living, not the expected message from this prophet, Messiah, Rabbi and soon to be Savior. See what I mean.
So in light of that, I must ask, Is your life what you expected? What's the reality of your life? As I continue to explore the beatitudes, I'm excited to see what's so "blessed" about this "upside down" living.
Monday, December 27, 2010
So long gone . . .not much changes.
Well it's been awhile since I posted, in fact I had actually forgotten about this blog spot. Senile? Perhaps, but I really have been journaling and growing and learning more about myself. Trust me I have lots of material ripe for discovery, tons of garbage to sift through, but I am convince of this one thing,
God loves me and has a plan for my life.
He longs for me to live the life He's given me to the fullest, bathed in His grace and mercy.
I wished I could tell you I experience that daily. I don't. I struggle . . . alot.
I hoped it would be easier, prayed it would be easier and that I would have victory in the areas of my struggle and be done with this bondage. No the case and I not sure God ever intended it to be the case.
If I didn't struggle, how would I know mercy when I see it, experience it?
If I didn't fail, how would I know success?
If this was easy, how would I know relationship with Jesus? Just how could we relate?
Fellowship of His suffering.
OK so I'm not crushed under despair. Not at this moment, I have been though. Today I just tired of failing; feeling like victory will never be mine; this behavior will always rule me. Some days I'd just like to give up, quit, throw in the towel and just live here in this bondage. Maybe I'm more like the children of Israel than I'd like to admit. They experienced abuse from their captor, God went to extreme measure to free them. They had freedom and had seen God do amazing, really freaky things on their behalf, yet once free, began to complain and want to return to bondage. Why? It required something of them this God given freedom. It was gonna take work.
Like I've said millions of times . . . I'd kill for those legs but I'm not getting off the couch for them.
So here I am again, struggling to surrender my will, what I want but am unwilling to work for, unwilling to press forward for, uncommitted to receive the victory already won in Christ over this bondage. Lord here's my will again, I'm surrendering it again. I desperately need your power to press on and make the next right choice, for your glory and my good.
God loves me and has a plan for my life.
He longs for me to live the life He's given me to the fullest, bathed in His grace and mercy.
I wished I could tell you I experience that daily. I don't. I struggle . . . alot.
I hoped it would be easier, prayed it would be easier and that I would have victory in the areas of my struggle and be done with this bondage. No the case and I not sure God ever intended it to be the case.
If I didn't struggle, how would I know mercy when I see it, experience it?
If I didn't fail, how would I know success?
If this was easy, how would I know relationship with Jesus? Just how could we relate?
Fellowship of His suffering.
OK so I'm not crushed under despair. Not at this moment, I have been though. Today I just tired of failing; feeling like victory will never be mine; this behavior will always rule me. Some days I'd just like to give up, quit, throw in the towel and just live here in this bondage. Maybe I'm more like the children of Israel than I'd like to admit. They experienced abuse from their captor, God went to extreme measure to free them. They had freedom and had seen God do amazing, really freaky things on their behalf, yet once free, began to complain and want to return to bondage. Why? It required something of them this God given freedom. It was gonna take work.
Like I've said millions of times . . . I'd kill for those legs but I'm not getting off the couch for them.
So here I am again, struggling to surrender my will, what I want but am unwilling to work for, unwilling to press forward for, uncommitted to receive the victory already won in Christ over this bondage. Lord here's my will again, I'm surrendering it again. I desperately need your power to press on and make the next right choice, for your glory and my good.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
