Well it's been awhile since I posted, in fact I had actually forgotten about this blog spot. Senile? Perhaps, but I really have been journaling and growing and learning more about myself. Trust me I have lots of material ripe for discovery, tons of garbage to sift through, but I am convince of this one thing,
God loves me and has a plan for my life.
He longs for me to live the life He's given me to the fullest, bathed in His grace and mercy.
I wished I could tell you I experience that daily. I don't. I struggle . . . alot.
I hoped it would be easier, prayed it would be easier and that I would have victory in the areas of my struggle and be done with this bondage. No the case and I not sure God ever intended it to be the case.
If I didn't struggle, how would I know mercy when I see it, experience it?
If I didn't fail, how would I know success?
If this was easy, how would I know relationship with Jesus? Just how could we relate?
Fellowship of His suffering.
OK so I'm not crushed under despair. Not at this moment, I have been though. Today I just tired of failing; feeling like victory will never be mine; this behavior will always rule me. Some days I'd just like to give up, quit, throw in the towel and just live here in this bondage. Maybe I'm more like the children of Israel than I'd like to admit. They experienced abuse from their captor, God went to extreme measure to free them. They had freedom and had seen God do amazing, really freaky things on their behalf, yet once free, began to complain and want to return to bondage. Why? It required something of them this God given freedom. It was gonna take work.
Like I've said millions of times . . . I'd kill for those legs but I'm not getting off the couch for them.
So here I am again, struggling to surrender my will, what I want but am unwilling to work for, unwilling to press forward for, uncommitted to receive the victory already won in Christ over this bondage. Lord here's my will again, I'm surrendering it again. I desperately need your power to press on and make the next right choice, for your glory and my good.
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I am a firm believer that victory is not sweet unless it is hard earned. Hey, we should be milloinaires by now.....but we needed some hard lessons. Chances are we will always struggle....there is a song about that "in this world you will have trouble, but I'll give you my peace that where I am there you may also be"
ReplyDeleteSomething like that. I think trials make us stronger or make us crumble, sometimes both. God is always there, waiting to pick up your pieces, most likely with that look, you know the one mom, the one where you say "I tried to tell you but you apparrently needed to learn this on your own"...you know it. I am sure God has that look all the time - maybe with a whole lot more compassion - but the same look non the less. So, we press on, do His work until it is done. Will it take forever, yeah, probably. all I know is we are suppose to take the journey with a smile on our faces and in our hearts. I love you, you know that? So does He, even when you just want to give it all up...I am pretty sure He's been there.